Why HAWAII 5-0 is a big f*ucking mess

HAWAII 5-0 is a great example of a show that even in year two has no idea what it wants to do. Most new shows tinker in the early going as they try to find their groove, but when they still are making big changes in the second season that’s a sure sign they’re flailing creatively.

Every time I watch HAWAII 5-0 I always make a vow that that’s it. I’m done with this stupid show. But for some reason I end up watching it again. And making the same vow. It’s the same principle as eating at Wendy’s.

The original version in the ‘60s was very clear. Jack Lord played the head of a special police investigation unit. He generally wore a suit. His team did most of the difficult stunts (like walking quickly) and they always got the bad guys. Throw in a great theme song, beauty shots of Hawaii, and you had rating rainbows for twelve years.

The new version had to be spiffed-up. Steve McGarrett (now played by Alex O’Loughlin) became a super human action hero. Jack Bauer goes Hawaiian. I’m guessing the more the writers gave him scenes to “act” the more they decided to give him scenes to shoot people.

Scott Caan was chosen as his partner. He’s likable, quirky, but the sense I get is he’s kind of a klutz. Good for banter, bad for cliff diving. So the decision was made to give him a heart tugging personal life. He’s crazy about his daughter but rarely gets to see her. He’s divorced but still loves his ex-wife. What the writers soon discovered was – no one gave a shit. Who wants to cut away from a drug bust to see Scott Caan taking his daughter for shave ice? So after the obligatory daughter-was-kidnapped story, they moved off of that. They still don’t know what to do with Scott Caan.

For a while they tried to establish that Alex had a former flame who still worked for the Navy and would provide needed info and the occasional romp in the sack. Three weeks of this and it was an early discharge.

Daniel Dae Kim (Jin from LOST) as a former Hawaii PD officer that was drummed out of the force for supposedly being dirty (but of course he wasn’t… he was just protecting his family in a convoluted subplot that captivated a grand total of no one). And Grace Park. What law enforcement team doesn’t need someone whose specialty is surfing?

Her role has been reduced to Googling potential perps, taking discreet surveillance photos with a camera the size of a howitzer, and looking smoking hot in a bikini. Every so often she gets to kick someone in the mouth.

They tried to give Alex a backstory. His father was a cop who was killed under mysterious circumstances, leaving Alex a toolbox with clues. From time-to-time they deal with that. Other times it’s ignored. A sister was introduced into the mix. After several episodes she didn’t work out and was gone.

Jean Smart was the governor. It’s hard to make Jean Smart not interesting but they somehow managed to do so. Bang! She was shot and gone the end of last season.

Larisa Oleynik was introduced late last year as a former CIA analyst who winds up doing the same stuff for the team that Grace does.  Big surprise.  That didn’t work. She’s mousey so she can’t be used during action scenes. My guess – they thought she could become a love interest for Alex. But there’s no chemistry. She’s now gone.

And in her place – a super hot blonde bombshell, Lauren German. If that doesn’t light a fire under Alex’s loins then it's time for Ricky Martin.  Lauren's a former Homeland Security agent assigned to the team against his wishes. So expect three weeks of mandatory bickering before the beleaguered writers realize that doesn’t work either. Good luck writing those scenes where we see Alex’s “sensitive” side. That’ll be one more story arc for the “dear God, never again!” file.

And still the new characters keep on coming. Terry O’Quinn (also a LOST alum) as a… I can’t even keep track. Alex’s mentor, John Locke, I dunno. And Tom Sizemore (in between his own jail stints) as an Internal Affairs hard-ass.

But wait! There’s more!

I suppose the writers felt they needed some comic relief. That way the tone could be action-thriller-romance-relationship-comedy. So joining the crew is Masi Oka as a goofy nerd coroner, and Taylor Wiley as big fat Hawaiian street informant, baby sitter for Scott’s daughter, scam artist, and shave ice stand proprietor. By this point you should be screaming, “Jesus! This is just a clusterfuck!” And you would be right.

But wait! There’s still more!

Arch villain Wo Fat pops in and out. Scott Caan’s ex-wife pops in and out. There’s a story arc involving Grace being investigated for grand theft. Lirisa may be a mole, or she may be a double-agent. The new governor has it in for Alex’s team. Alex suspects his late father may be a bad guy. There’s still the toolbox with clues. The HPD still hates Daniel Dae. And just what’s in that mysterious “hatch”.

The bottom line is this: If you don’t know what you’re writing you’re in trouble. Maybe one of these mid-course corrections will work and the show will click. The ratings are still okay but the theme song and beauty shots can only take you so far. One of these weeks I’m going to keep my vow. Better introduce Charlie Sheen before it’s too late.

Please still vote on your favorite sitcom of all-time.  Your results and my thoughts on Wednesday.  Thanks.