Celebrity Apprentice Sales Lessons

Of all the reality shows on TV, the one that actually has some value other than mindless entertainment is Celebrity Apprentice. I made a point to watch the premier last night, and saw a couple of very important sales lessons in action.

The teams of celebrities were divided, men versus women. Their task was to see who could raise more money for charity by taking over a diner for an afternoon and sell food. The men's team raised twice as much money as the women, despite the women having a better location in Manhattan. There are two reasons why:

1. Selling at a higher price. The men set prices for hamburgers at $100--plus more if you wanted truffles. The women set their price at $10 for a hamburger. Cyndi Lauper, the women's team leader said that the common person couldn't pay a lot for a hamburger. Trump pointed out in the Boardroom that the common person was not the market she should have been going after.

Sales point: the sales reps in companies who consistently have the largest average order size are the ones selling the higher priced and higher margin items, and selling at full price. No revelation there, right? They go after the bigger orders. What are you gong after?

2. Prospect targeting and calling. The men's team contacted more heavy hitters--big donors--than the women's team. Led by former baseball player Darryl Strawberry who has many New York contacts, the men were able to bring in the big dogs who not only could donate the $100 for hamburgers, but also left $1000-$2000 tips for charity. The men's tips also were much more than the women's.

Also, as a result of targeting the mass market, the women had a long line of potential customers still waiting as time expired on the contest--some of whom were potential larger donors. Yet, they were so busy with the small customers they did not have time to sell to the bigger, more profitable ones. Sound familiar?

'The Carrie Diaries': the trailer

The 'Sex & The City' prequel flick, called 'The Carrie Diaries'.

So, it shows Carrie's life and all that happened before the we see her in all the Sex & The City episodes.

Will you go see it? Do you think AnnaSophia Robb - playing the young Carrie - is perfectly cast?

Miranda Kerr - The Sydney Magazine, March 2012

I really love the opening paragraph of the cover story on Miranda Kerr - and the modelling industry - in the March edition of The Sydney Magazine, out today (get your copy super quick! I nabbed the last one at my local news place, and they always sell fast).

The story, by Stephanie Wood, starts:

"So, when did it happen? When did the genetic anomaly in the microscopic Dion Lee white dress in front of me morph from woman to brand?"

The intro par goes on to question: was it when she joined the Victoria's Secret lingerie giant in 2006? Or in 2008 when she joined David Jones? Or when she met one Orlando and became 'Kerr-bloom'?

I often ask the same question when I see Miranda.

Because the very first time I saw her - at a Body Shop launch for their new makeup line at a Sydney Harbour-side venue in the year 2000 - I recall this beautiful young girl, with a pretty face but a rather boy-like body, propped on a stool, not saying a word as her makeup was applied.

When she became 'Miranda Kerr' I recall thinking... wow, how did that happen?

The story goes on to interview Miranda on her life and successes, and include profile pieces on other up and comers, including definitely already there model Alexandra Agoston-O'Connor.

The entire issue is a meaty fashion feast.

From interviews with fash-savvy fashion website innovators, and a very entertaining compile piece on the 'tribes' that exist in fashion (featured here: Boys 'N The Hood; Double Bay Ladies; and Surry Hills Hipsters) - it's an issue not to be missed.

Celebrity Apprentice USA 2012

Oh my Lordy... the Celebrity Apprentice US line up for 2012 is a beauty.

Just starting to screen on Foxtel - on Fox8 - with repeats throughout the week, this is the kinda TV I completely love. Fights, madness, egos... and this year's cast of crazies include:

Terese Giudice, Victoria Gotti (there's your show right there), Lisa Lapanelli (Google her and watch her comedy roasts on YouTube), Clay Aiken, Arsenio Hall, George Takei... ohhh, the joys.

Here is the promo for the new series:

Here it is. The cover of my new book, coming out within weeks or sooner. Also, I have a new website dedicated to the book. Feel free to check it out.

And to answer your question: the girl on the left is Ann Jillian; the one on the right -- you'll to have to read the book.

Me & Marvin Gaye

It's finally coming out!  My book about growing up in the '60s will be released within weeks on Amazon!  To get you in the mood, here's another installment.   And check back later today.  I will reveal for the first time -- the title and the cover! 

1964, Woodland Hills

Must viewing: THE LLOYD THAXTON SHOW. Each afternoon from 5-6 Lloyd Thaxton hosted a live dance party show on the cheapest cheesiest independent station in LA – KCOP. If his budget was more than $4.95 a show I’d be shocked.

His set consisted of four panels (probably cardboard) with musical notes drawn on them. Kids from local high schools were invited to dance on a soundstage the size of an elevator. This was appointment television for every teenager in Los Angeles.

What made the show special was Lloyd Thaxton. Most shows like this were hosted by disc jockeys. They were content to just introduce the records and step aside while the kids did the Twist, Jerk, Fly, Popeye, Monkey, Frug, Mash Potato, Locomotion, and whatever other inane dance was the rage that minute. Lloyd was the first to realize “this was TELEVISION”, you had to do something VISUAL. So he would find ways to comically present the songs. This elf-looking redhead would lip sync, mime playing instruments, use finger puppets, don wigs, do duets with rubber masks, cut out the lips on an album cover and substitute his own – anything to make the songs fun. In many ways, Lloyd Thaxton was a local version of Ernie Kovacs, finding innovative new ways to use the new medium. Music videos these days are all ambitious elaborate productions. Back then we were quite content to watch a guy sing into his hand.

I always wanted to be on his show but of course didn’t qualify because I was still in Junior High. The indignities continue! However, I did get to appear on NINTH STREET WEST.

With the success of THE LLOYD THAXTON SHOW every local channel had their own dance party show. Over the next few years there would be SHEBANG on Channel 5 with Casey Kasem, SHIVAREE on Channel 7 with KFWB D.J. Gene Weed, and NINTH STREET WEST on Channel 9 hosted by KFWB D.J. Sam Riddle. Stations hired the D.J.’s with the best and most teeth.

I sent in requests to all of them but only NINTH STREET WEST bit. Talk about a great date. Taking a girl to a TV show and dinner at nearby Carolina Pine’s coffee shop in Hollywood. Thanks again for driving, mom!

I asked my friend Marcia. You always want to be seen on TV with someone hotter than you, but not so hot that it screams “pity date”. Marcia was very cute yet believable as my escort.

The show originated from the Channel 9 studios on Melrose Ave. The soundstage was nothing more than a one-car garage (for a Kia maybe). About forty of us were jammed into this tiny space. It’s hard to rock out with reckless abandon when at any moment you could get an elbow in your eye.

There were three guests scheduled to lip sync their songs. It was impossible to do them live. One amplifier and ten dancers would be pinned against the wall. The guests were the Beau Brummels (a group out of San Francisco), a very young Marvin Gaye, and British imports Peter & Gordon.

Kids were so crazed over the Beatles that they started buying records from any group that came out of England. It’s the same principle where girls who can’t sleep with rock stars wind up in bed with their roadies. First it was the Dave Clark 5, and then the floodgates opened. Billy J. Kramer and the Dakotas (who sang one of the creepiest songs EVER – “Little Children”. The story of a guy threatening little children because they caught him diddling their sister. Ugh!), Gerry & the Pacemakers, Herman’s Hermits, the inane Freddy & the Dreamers (whose entire act was to wear suits that didn’t fit and do jumping jacks), and Peter & Gordon. The harder edged Rolling Stones, Animals, Who, and Lulu would come a bit later.

During a commercial break they set up for Marvin Gaye’s number. Surprisingly, he seemed incredibly nervous. His hands were practically shaking. Hardly the super cool image we’d come to expect. I assured him he was great and had nothing to worry about. It must have meant a lot coming from a white kid in his bar mitzvah suit. He gave me a quick smile, the red light went on and he did his song. Afterwards when he was off camera he thanked me. Not necessary but a lovely gesture.

The next day in school Marcia was quite the celebrity. Everyone had seen her on NINTH STREET WEST. Maybe two or three had seen me. I wanted to say, “Hey, screw you, people. I’m the one who saved Marvin Gaye’s career!”

In defense of Multi-Camera shows

Practically every great sitcom for the last 60 years has used some version of the multi-camera format. Yes, there are exceptions like MASH and WESTWARD HA! But for the most part, series that we all (younger, desirable viewers included) watch and relish are all multi-camera.

Single-camera sitcoms are more in vogue.   Networks claim we’re tired of the multi-camera form. We’re tired of bad lazy writing. We’re tired of old predictable rhythms. But we’re sure not tired of…

I LOVE LUCY
THE HONEYMOONERS
THE PHIL SILVERS SHOW
THE DICK VAN DYKE SHOW
ALL IN THE FAMILY
MAUDE
THE ODD COUPLE
THE MARY TYLER MOORE SHOW
THE BOB NEWHART SHOW
NEWHART
COSBY
CHEERS
TAXI
FRASIER
FRIENDS
SEINFELD
EVERYBODY LOVES RAYMOND
GOLDEN GIRLS
MURPHY BROWN
BARNEY MILLER
HAPPY DAYS
LAVERNE & SHIRLEY
SANFORD & SON

And three or four of your favorites I forgot to mention.

Comedy, a live audience and multiple cameras -- put them together and you have the uh... Big Bang Theory of sitcoms.

WINGS deserved more recognition

Howdy from Denver. Here are some Friday Questions from the Mile High City.

Michael gets us started:

I always felt "Wings", while not quite at the same level as "Cheers" and "Frasier", was overlooked in terms of critical acclaim. Do you agree and, if so, why do think that was so?

I totally agree. WINGS never got the recognition it deserved.  And the truth is it was a damn funny show – funnier than CHEERS and FRASIER on certain occasions. The stories were well-crafted and clever, and the cast was top notch.  Yet, it never achieved that sheen that prestigious shows enjoy.  Why?  Pure speculation on my part but following CHEERS always put it unfairly in its shadow. 

WINGS really was discovered once it began running on USA (fifteen times a day). Personally, I think WINGS holds up great is still funnier than most sitcoms on today.

Looking back, we really were in a Golden Age of Comedy if WINGS was considered second tier.


Brian Phillips has another WINGS-related question:

While looking at the first season of "Wings" on Netflix, I noticed that one of the producers was Roz Doyle, which, of course, is the same name of Peri Gilpin's character on "Frasier". I know you have mentioned how other characters in other shows have gotten named. Are there any other stories as to how the characters on "Frasier" were named?

Roz Doyle was the line producer of WINGS and passed away very young. Peter Casey, David Lee, & David Angell were the creators of both WINGS and FRASIER. They named Peri’s character Roz Doyle as a lovely tribute.

I can’t think of any other significant stories behind the naming of the characters. Since FRASIER was essentially a family show, they really only had to come up with first names for characters. That, by the way, may be the single best reason to do a family comedy.

And yet another WINGS question, this one from VegasGuy.

I was watching Wings (I'm going through them all on NetFlix) and I swear I saw an actor (he was a vacuum salesman) that was in an earlier episode (several years back) from another episode.

This made me think about The Practice where John Laroquette was a great villan character and THEN he showed up in Boston Legal (same universe) as a different character and a series regular.

So here's the question: Why do that? Are there not enough actors out there? I love John Laroquette (Stripes) as much as the next guy but surely someone else could have played the part?

It’s not a matter of a shortage of actors. In this town you can’t swing a dead cat without hitting at least five people who all guested on NCIS. But finding special actors? That’s tough.

And if you should get lucky and find that a guest player really scores through the roof, not only will you want to use him again, you’ll want to hire six bodyguards to make sure nothing ever happens to him.

On MASH, Harry Morgan, who played Colonel Potter, originally was in an early episode as a nutcase General. It’s actually my single favorite episode of MASH, and he’s exceptionally funny in it. If there was an opening for Hot Lips’ sister I would have suggested Harry. He was that good.

Yes, you have a continuity issue if you bring an actor back as another character, but it’s so worth it. And why should you let a special actor get away just because he did a small guest role two seasons ago as patron #3?

From Bill McCloskey:

Ken, since canceling my cable, I've had great fun watching all the Cheers episodes and now the Frasier episodes back to back. One "bit" I'd like to ask about because it is used so often in both Cheers and Frasier, that I wonder if you guys invented it. What I'm talking about is the situation where two characters start calling each other names and it ends with them falling into each others arms. Of course the first time I remember it being used was when Sam and Diane got together for the first time in season one. It then popped up more frequently, most recently between Frasier and the new Station Manager played by Mercedes Ruhl. Any thoughts on this recurring plot device?

I’m sure the convention had been used numerous times before CHEERS. Not being a scholarly student of old romcoms and screwball comedies I can’t produce specific examples off the top of my head (which is a little woozy anyway in this thin altitude), but I suspect Spencer Tracy & Kate Hepburn played out similar scenes in their movies. Same with Barbara Stanwyck and every co-star she ever had.

Doesn’t Rhett Butler get pissed and sweep Scarlet O’Hara off her feet and take her upstairs? My guess is a few of you readers will be able to cite specific examples (or, more likely, correct mine).

The key is passion.   And if the passion is really at a boil, a couple can switch from hate to love in one nano-second.  

So as much as I’d love to, I can’t take credit on behalf of CHEERS for that convention. For all I know, it was first employed in ancient Greece by Lucy and Desi Paparopolis.

What's your question?  Leave them in the comments section.  Thanks.    And join me tonight with Rick Rizzs for arena baseball at Coors Field on 710 ESPN Seattle, the Mariners Radio Network, and MLB.COM.  

What you can and can't say on television

A few weeks ago I spoke at a comedy symposium at U.C. Santa Barbara (along with other panelists the students had actually heard of).  There was a good crowd, several hundred at least -- all the more impressive because the surf was really up that day.  During one of the panels (not mine), they showed a clip from an ALL IN THE FAMILY episode from the early '70s.  It's the famous scene where entertainer Sammy Davis Jr. finds himself in Archie Bunker's home.

The students were stunned.  The scene deals with racial issues and prejudice.  And some of the words uttered were absolutely shocking to them.   The "N-Word" for one. 

Today there is no way in hell you could do this scene.  You probably couldn't discuss this topic much less say the words bandied about in this piece.

On the other hand, in the '70s even vague euphemisms for sexual body parts was strictly forbidden.  You could say the N-Word, but you sure couldn't say the V-Word.   Today, not only can you say vagina, you are required to say vagina at least five times an episode (six during sweeps).

So which era's brand of comedy is better?  Which is funnier?  Has more social value?

There is no real answer of course.  It depends on your age and sensibilities.  But to help you decide, here's an example of both.   First, the Sammy Davis Jr. ALL IN THE FAMILY scene, and then a representative clip from 2 BROKE GIRLS.

Would love to hear your thoughts.

I hate PowerPoint

Imagine you had to give a presentation to a fairly large group. The topic is something you know something about. The quarterly report. The latest advances in merkins. Whatever.  And while you're delivering this presentation you also have to put on rock climbing gear. Bulky jacket,boots, lacing up the heavy boots, attaching one or two harnesses, stocking up on flares and picks. All this while you're analyzing T.S. Eliot poetry.

Well for the most part, that's what it's like when you do a presentation with PowerPoint. Ive been to a number of conferences lately where good speakers with interesting topics were derailed by PowerPoint presentations. They spent half their talks fumbling around with slides. At first the audience is patient and has a little empathy. But after five minutes you want to scream, "Hey, numnuts! They're friggin' bullet points. Who gives a shit?! Just talk!".

PowerPoint and similar programs kill more lectures than they help. Yes, if you need visuals, fine. Let's say you're explaining how Facebook works or just "what is pornography?"  Slides would help -- in some cases the bigger, the better.

But now you can easily make graphs and graphics to just underscore the text of your talk. 68% of homeowners have spice racks.  "I don't believe you. Oh wait, I'm now looking at a slide of a spice rack and underneath it says 68% of homeowners have these. Okay, you sold me!".

The truth is speakers now use PowerPoint as a crutch. They think the can jazz up their presentations with visual aids. All too often though this results in technical snafus, fumbling around, the wrong slides, and takes the speaker right out of any rhythm. And most of the time the slides are boring, hard to read, and unnecessary.

Some people think if they don't arm themselves with PowerPoint that the audience will think they're unprepared. That's bullshit!

As a speaker, your job is to communicate. Talk to us. Share ideas, if it's a topic you're excited about let us see that.  You don't have to be the worlds greatest speaker. But your genuine enthusiasm will sell your message. Not a dizzying display of pie charts.

A helpful tip that will mean more than a slide proclaiming "4 warning signs of gum decay" is to start your talk with a story. People love stories and it puts them at ease. People think you have to begin with a joke -- the great woody Allen intro: " I'm reminded of the incestuous farmer's daughter...". No. You don't have to do that. If you got a great joke and you're good at delivering jokes then yeah, kill 'em. But a brief story, preferably personal, will achieve the same goal of disarming your crowd.

Speak with passion. Again, you don't have to be Billy Graham or Zig Zigler. But make us understand why the topic is interesting to you. In this case, a well placed word is worth a thousand pictures.

The Mariners are in Cleveland to begin a brief two-game series against the Sons of the Wigwam.  Join Rick Rizzs and me for the call tonight on 710 ESPN Seattle, the Mariners Radio Network, and MLB.COM.  

Now that the networks have announced their schedules, some random thoughts...

Unlike NBC, CBS opted to pick up comedies by proven showrunners. Max Mutchnick & David Kohan got a show along with Alan Kirschenbaum. And both show are multi-camera.

Meanwhile, NBC continues to assign showrunners to new series created by inexperienced writers. Now you’d think they’d try to match the perfect writer with the perfect project? No. They’re assigning showrunners that they have deals with. NBC is the Fantastic Sams of networks.

Yes, WHITNEY got picked up. But look where NBC scheduled it. In the Friday 8-9 death slot. And what did they pair it with? COMMUNITY – the show they don’t like but feel they have to re-order to appear cool. They’ll both be gone by mid-season when NBC will probably use that hour to just rerun shows from earlier in the week.

Meanwhile, PARKS AND RECREATION got an order of 22 (not 13 like COMMUNITY and WHITNEY) and assigned to Thursday night. This is a show NBC believes in… and rightly so.

Who was NBC kidding when they tried to tell us 30 ROCK had no plans to end their run? Crew members are already stealing props from the set for souvenirs. Yesterday they announced that it would be going off after 13.  It's time. 

NBC is making a big deal over the fact that “Emmy-winner Jimmy Fallon” has a new sitcom, GUYS WITH KIDS. He’s not going to be showrunning it. It’s just his company. His name is on it. There are already five or six other executive producers who will be handling the writing. Next they’ll tell us that multi-Oscar winner, Walt Disney has a new show on the NBC schedule.

Here’s an NBC head-scratcher (and then I'll move to other networks). ROCK CENTER WITH BRIAN WILLIAMS has gotten some of the worst ratings in the history of the network. Juiceman informercials beat it. And yet, not only did NBC renew it, they gave it an upgraded spot – Thursday at 10.  If they really want to get viewers for that show let Brian's daughter host it. 

Simon Cowell has now surrendered his last shred of credibility by naming Britney Spears as a judge on THE X-FACTOR. Paula wasn’t stupid enough? Does Simon seriously expect anyone on the planet to give a flying fig about what Britney Spears thinks… about anything? Your show is now officially a joke.

I applaud CBS for cancelling ROB! even though it got acceptable numbers. I’d like to think that at the end of the day CBS just said, “Is this really what we want to have on our network?” The ghost of William Paley thanks you.

What can I say about ABC? They renewed Nancy Travis and didn’t pick up Roseanne. I love ABC.

Comedy continues its comeback. FOX will now have an all-comedy night on Tuesdays. The new Mindy Kaling project looks promising.

And finally, I notice that Kate Hudson will be recurring on GLEE – a sure sign that her movie career is over. She’s saying she’s thrilled to be a part of GLEE but what she’s really thinking is, “Damn that Elizabeth Banks!”

Help Wanted: Showrunners

Just left New York before the big Upfronts announcements – not that any of the networks would’ve invited me to any of their launch parties anyway. (“Levine doesn’t have a show and he eats all the shrimp!”) Big new trend this year: new series picked up without proven showrunners. How can you tell? When the networks told the lucky pilot creators they were on the schedule they reacted by saying, “Yay!” and not “Oh shit!” Only seasoned showrunners, who know what to expect, say that.

In their quest to get new ideas and new voices, the networks have favored development with feature writers and actors and pretty much anyone who doesn’t have the stink of “knows how to do this” on them.  In fact, writers on existing shows were often discouraged from taking time away from work to develop.

Is it worth it? We’ll see in September. Will the ideas and voices be that fresh? My guess is no. My guess is another reason inexperienced TV writer/creators are sought are because they’re much more willing to take network and studio notes. I’ve been in pilot situations where literally twenty suits are giving notes. You sit around a giant conference table like in DR. STRANGELOVE and get bombarded by mandatory “suggestions” – many of which conflict. Do the people giving those notes have fresh ideas and voices? What do you think?

And then the downside. You obviously can’t put someone in charge of a multi-million dollar production who hasn’t done it before. Yes, there are generally Pod Producers attached (non writing producers – former executives who get cushy production deals), but this only underscores how unnecessary they are since they can't write or direct and that's sorta what's needed to make television shows.

So now you have to orchestrate arranged marriages. How often do they work? Many times the original creator gets trampled under the feet of the experienced showrunner. You’re a chef. You’ve created this delicate soufflé. And now Gordon Ramsey is brought in to run your kitchen.

And for the showrunners themselves – let’s be honest – they sort of resent just being hired guns. And I don’t blame them. The networks weren’t interested in their original ideas. Instead, they're just offered a job. They’re saddled with partners they don’t feel they need, and you can understand if they don’t have a real emotional investment in the project. Should the show be a big hit, all of the articles will center on the creator and the wonderful story of how she was Paula Abdul’s personal shopper until a year ago.

It just seems odd to me that a network would order a show before knowing exactly who is going to be the creative force. Let me amend that – odd that they would order so many shows. One or two? Okay. But this year there are eight or ten. In all genres.

Does the practice pay off? Sure. Sometimes. You can win a big jackpot drawing on an inside straight. But I suspect most big game poker players would tell you that’s not the best strategy.

Hello from Boston, where tonight the M's begin a brief two-game series with the Bosox.  Join me and Rick Rizzs for the action on 710 ESPN in Seattle and MLB.COM. 

Live from the train

This is a first -- a live blog post. I'm on the Mariners train from New York to Boston. The team won today so I get to ride inside and not on the cow catcher.

At the moment we're stopped somewhere near New Haven to let another train pass. I'll be pissed if it's the Yankees.

As for the scenery -- picture the French countryside with landfills.

But there's something romantic about a baseball team traveling by train. Oh for the days of club cars and Babe Ruth vomiting into spittoons!

Going to sign off now. The train has started up again. And I've got a movie to watch. I hope Unstoppable is good.

Happy Mothers' Day to all you moms and queens

HAPPY MOTHER'S DAY!!! Especially to the mom of my kids, Debby.

This year I'm spending Mother's Day the traditional way -- at Yankee Stadium, calling the Mariners-Yankees game on 701 ESPN Seattle, the Mariners Radio Network, and MLB.COM.  

But when you think of great mom's, who springs to mind first?  Why, Queen Elizabeth of course!   So for the first time ever, a blog post that combines Mothers' Day, the Queen of England, and baseball. 

In 1991 I was a rookie play-by-play announcer for the Baltimore Orioles. I kept a daily journal that year and sold it as a book. "It's Gone!...No, wait a minute"(my classic home run call unfortunately) was published by Villard and released in ’93. It’s available on Amazon or on a remainder table near you. Fifteen years ago today this is what happened:

WEDNESDAY, MAY 15, 1991, BALTIMORE

A typical day really, except that the queen of England and the president of the United States attended the game. They saw the A’s win 6-3, although Randy Milligan hit his first home run of the year and then his second.

Her Majesty Queen Elizabeth II and His Royal Highness Prince Philip are visiting the United States and wanted to view something that represented the “epitome of America”. That meant either the Shopping Channel or baseball. So our little ol’ ballpark on Thirty-third Street got the nod. The weather was glorious, the traffic horrendous, and the crowd merely moderate (32,501) to see this historic occasion (The queen was not as big a draw as free wristbands.)

The entourage arrived at 6:30 via motorcade and were whisked into a private reception hosted by club owner Eli S. Jacobs (whom I have yet to meet, by the way). The VIP party, which also included Mrs. Bush, baseball commish Fay Vincent (who told me before the game that the role of the commissioner in affairs such as these is “to be seen and then leave”), Secretary of Defense Dick Cheney, Mrs. Secretary of Defense, the Governor of Maryland, the British Foreign Secretary, and a number of the queen’s personal valets, secretaries, and foot stools. They all dined on crab cakes and hot dogs. (What, no crumpets and nachos??).

Everyone lingered over dinner for fifteen minutes, and then the royal party moved on to the Orioles dugout to greet the players of both teams.

I did not get to meet the queen. Jon Miller and I were on the air describing the proceedings. At 7:20 a receiving line of players was rushed through (viewed by the crowd on DiamondVision), and to the horror of the Secret Service, the president escorted Queen Elizabeth (or “Sausage” as Prince Philip calls her) up the top step into the on-deck area in full view of the masses. Personally, I feel Harold Baines would be in greater danger than the queen, but the Secret Service men held their breath just the same. The crowd roared its approval.

From there the royal party repaired back to Mr. Jacobs’ sky box on the mezzanine level just to the left of the press box. They sat comfortably behind bulletproof glass as a high school chorus mangled “God Save the Queen” and “The Star-Spangled Banner” over a sound system wracked by feedback.

They stayed for two whole innings, and I sort of felt bad because they were two very boring innings. Five walks, little action. Really, Your Highness, baseball is not that dull! I wanted her to stay longer, but by 8:45 the motorcade had shuttled her away. I also was hoping to have her stop by our booth and possibly read the “Esskay Meats Out-of-Town Scoreboard,” but that was not to be. See if I vote for her in the next election!

All in all it was a very exciting night. In three previous years in the minors the most important dignitary I ever saw attend a game was the Phillie Phanatic.

A long long Levine & Isaacs episode

This is one of my favorite episodes. Its from THE TONY RANDALL SHOW. David Isaacs and I wrote it in 1977. The premise stems from an article I saw in the paper. The scenario we present actually happened.

In case you're one of the two or three people in the entire world not familiar with THE TONY RANDALL SHOW, he played a judge in Philadelphia. The series was produced by MTM and created by Tom Patchett & Jay Tarses, who were the driving force behind THE BOB NEWHART SHOW and later BUFFALO BILL.

The episode features Zane Lasky as Mario Lanza and David Ogden Stiers just before he got a gig on another show you might have heard of.

So, for the first time in a gazillion years, here's our TONY RANDALL SHOW. Thanks to friend-of-the-blog, Jamie Weinman for unearthing it.


Case- The People Speak by carpalton

Oscar winner Cuba Gooding Jr. for Cialis

Funny parody...

Questions Friday Style

Hello from Noo Yawk! The Mariners begin a pivotal, crucial three-game series with the Yankees tonight. I’ll be calling the play-by-play for the Seattle Mariners Radio Network and MLB.COM. If there are lulls I can answer Friday Questions on the air, but just in case the action is too jam-packed, I’ll answer them here.

Matt leads off:

Recently, "METV" reran "Love, American Style." This is the first time I've watched the show from a writing perspective and I really admire how the segments are tightly written, funny and well paced. I wonder what your thoughts are on this show as an example of how to get right into a story, on creating characters and dialog.

The great thing about that series was that it provided work for lots of writers. You would think those little featurettes would be easy to write since they were just ten-minute in length. But in fact, they were a bitch because in a sense you were writing mini-pilots – introducing characters, setting up the premise, telling the story, and getting laughs.

I always rooted for that show because it was the only comedy series on the air that was an anthology. It broke the rule that you needed to follow familiar characters to be a success.

I never got an assignment for LOVE AMERICAN STYLE but did get to write for THE TRACEY ULLMAN SHOW, which was very similar.

About ten years ago one of the networks tried to reboot LOVE AMERICAN STYLE. A pilot was produced but it never made it. REJECTION AMERICAN STYLE.

Here’s a question from Becca that she posed in the comments section of an entry from a couple of weeks ago. But it’s a great question and you are invited to weigh in as well.

What are some TV shows from the past that you felt were canceled too soon? This is a question flung out there into the universe for anybody who wants to answer.

Okay. You asked. It’s a rather long list, probably includes a lot of shows you’ve never heard of, and I’m sure I left out six more.  But here goes.

ALMOST PERFECT, BIG WAVE DAVE’S (the rest of you are not required to list these too… although it would be nice), THE PRACTICE (starring Danny Thomas, created by Steve Gordon), GOODTIME HARRY (another Steve Gordon show), THE MARSHALL CHRONICLES, FLYING BLIND, POLICE SQUAD, FREEKS & GEEKS, UNDECLARED, BUFFALO BILL, BEST OF THE WEST, OPEN ALL NIGHT, UNITED STATES (created by Larry Gelbart), THE DUCK FACTORY, MY WORLD AND WELCOME TO IT, GOOD MORNING WORLD, THE ANN JILLIAN SHOW, PAUL SANDS – FRIENDS AND LOVERS, HEY LANDLORD, HE & SHE, SLAP MAXWELL, ME AND WENDY, FM, ROLL OUT, OCCASIONAL WIFE, LATELINE, CAR 54 WHERE ARE YOU?, WHEN THINGS WERE ROTTEN, SHAPING UP, THE GEORGE CARLIN SHOW, and KAREN (Okay, I had a crush on Debbie Watson).

From Anth:

When you're writing a script and you envision a non-specific celebrity cameo of some sort (like, say, last year's The Muppets), is it considered presumptuous to include that note in the script? And is it preferable to leave it anonymous or "assign" the role to give the reader a better way to envision the scene?

We generally do not write a celebrity cameo into a script unless we know ahead of time that we have him. Of course, that’s not to say that plans don't change after you complete the script. We wrote a CHEERS episode expecting to use Larry Bird. He backed out so instead we got the Chairman of the Joints Chief of Staff, Admiral William J. Crowe.  No joke.  And they essentially played the same part.

If you are writing a spec script I would recommend that you not use any celebrity cameos. It’s kind of a cheat. You know you’re not going to get Julia Roberts to appear in your pilot or spec ROB. So why do it?

And finally, Adam White wonders:

As an aspiring staff writer, how to get agents to focus on reading specs vs original material. It seems that every time I get an agent or manager wanting to see my work, they just want to read the pilot. I have a solid original pilot, but I feel like my specs are out-and-out better displays of my talent/funniness as they don't have to waste as much time laying pipe and can focus on my strong points: nailing character voices and being funny.

Sorry, Adam, but today you do need original material. You need specs for existing shows too, but even if an agent loves your spec BIG BANG THEORY he’s going to ask to see a pilot or something original.  That's just the way it is.  I guess you could always write a couple of LOVE AMERICAN STYLE scenes. 

What’s your question? Leave them in the comments section. Many thanks!

Writers Indignity #2756

A few years ago I got a call out of the blue from Twentieth Century Fox Publicity. The 7th season of MASH was being released in Great Britain and they wanted to know if I would do a phone conference call with British journalists to promote the new DVD’s.  It would take about an hour.  I asked when the conference was planned. “3:00 today she said, cheerfully.” “Great,” I said, “If the first seven seasons of MASH are delivered to my house by 3:00 I will do the interview.” An hour later a messenger was at my door.

The point is this: not only do writers not make a lot of money off these DVD releases, the studios won’t even give us free copies. Unless of course, THEY need something. And it’s not just writers. I was having lunch with one of the cast members of CHEERS and she said Paramount never sent her a copy of the DVD’s.

I love how in the new WGA contract, if a studio plans on having bonus tracks on a film DVD they must invite the writer to do one. That’s only fair, of course, since directors always get to do them. But here’s the catch: The studios are not obligated to USE the writer’s bonus track, nor are they obligated to pay him for his time and effort. Reminds you of Lucy teeing up the football for Charlie Brown, doesn't it?   I don’t think we’ll strike over this issue, but it’s yet another example of how the studios view us.

And this brings up another point – one that Mark Evanier brought up recently in his fine blog – should writers, directors, whoever get compensated for recording bonus tracks? If you’re a director and own a piece of the film then it’s certainly in your best interests to do a bonus track and sell more copies, but what about the rest of us? Yes, it’s fun to do and nice to have your contribution recognized, but are the studios using your ego to take advantage of you? I’ve only done a couple – my two SIMPSONS episodes. It was fun. It was easy. Gracie Films gave me copies of the DVD's without my even asking for them. And the way they recorded the track was just to screen the episode and we chimed in as it rolled. So the whole thing took maybe a half hour. I never thought about compensation. 

But what if the studio that made VOLUNTEERS came to me and said they were doing a big anniversary edition and wanted me to do a bonus track for free? First of all I would plotz that anyone would want to do an anniversary edition, but then I would be faced with a dilemma. Should I or shouldn’t I?

It reminds me of a great Woody Allen joke from his stand-up days. He was offered a Vodka commercial and didn’t feel it was morally right. But the pay was great. So he went to his rabbi for counsel. The rabbi told him to take the moral high ground. So he passed on the commercial. And then a few months later he saw it and who was selling the Vodka? His rabbi.

I would probably agree to do the bonus track.

And they wouldn’t use it.

Summer Movies Preview 3

Wrapping up this year's Summer Movies Preview.  Most of these will come out in August and you know Hollywood only saves the best for Labor Day.  Meanwhile, the M's wrap up a three-game series with the Tigers and I'll have the call on 710 ESPN Seattle, the Mariners Radio Network, Sirius/XM satellite, and MLB.COM. 

G.I. JOE: RETALIATION – Bruce Willis will now star in any film that still allows him to be an action hero. Get a couple of your friends together, buy an M-16 and Bruce will come to your clubhouse and be in your home movie.

SEEING A FRIEND FOR THE END OF THE WORLD – Love story between Steven Carell & Keira Knightley. If you’re saying, “That’s about as likely as a giant asteroid hitting the earth” you’ve just given away the ending.

NEIL YOUNG’S JOURNEYS – “Follow the Cocaine Brick Road.”


ICE AGE: CONTINENTAL DRIFT – Cartoon animals stake out territory not yet tread by the MADAGASCAR cartoon animals.

TED – Mark Wahlberg’s teddy bear comes to life and ruins his life. Directed by Seth MacFarlane so it’s FAMILY GUY meets ALF meets THE BEAVER. Co-stars Mila Kunis so who cares if it’s funny?

RUBY SPARKS – From the people who brought you the wonderful LITTLE MISS SUNSHINE. Writer creates fantasy girl who appears to come to life. Similar to TED except she says “I love you” instead of “Go fuck yourself.”

KATY PERRY: PART OF ME – It all depends on which part.

HOPE SPRINGS – Like all couples who have been married for 30+ years, Meryl Streep and Tommy Lee Jones clash over amount of Oscars.

THE BOURNE LEGACY – This time Matt Damon has really disappeared. Jeremy Renner takes over as the action-hero. The franchise is in good hands.


TOTAL RECALL – Colin Farrell continues his bid to become California governor by starring in this Sci-Fi remake.


THE CAMPAIGN – Will Ferrell and Zach Galifianakis are two candidates who rip the shit out of each other. If it’s half as funny as this year’s Republican primaries it will be the laugh riot of the summer.


THE EXPENDABLES 2 -- Stars every over-the-hill actor star from Bruce Willis (of course) to Sly Stallone to Auh-nold. CACCOON with fight scenes.

Jon Hamm raps the TAXI theme

This you've got to see. Jon Hamm rapping to the TAXI theme, and pretty much explaining the series. As I heard this I thought: Now this would be an interesting way to pitch a pilot to a network.

Summer Movies Preview 2

Continuing our look at the movies that'll be clogging your cineplex very soon: 

MAGIC MIKE – Channing Tatum reprieves his real-life role as a male stripper. My guess is more straight males will go see TITANIC 3D than this summer tent “pole” movie.

SAVAGES – Oliver Stone lends his delicate touch to marijuana action film. Features maybe the scariest villain since Dennis Hopper in BLUE VELVET – Salma Hayek as the evil Mexican cartel leader. Farrr out, man!


SNOW WHITE AND THE HUNTSMAN – Yet another Snow White vehicle. THRICE UPON A TIME.

THE WATCH – Ben Stiller, Vince Vaughn, and Jonah Hill protect their neighborhood from aliens. May the farce be with you.  Formerly named NEIGHBORHOOD WATCH but changed last Friday in light of the less than comedic actual neighborhood watch that went bad in Florida.  Yeah, a title change will make people forget.


MADAGASCAR 3: EUROPE’S MOST WANTED – THE AMAZING RACE with cartoon animals. Probably a fun romp.

THAT’S MY BOY – Another Adam Sandler comedy. So the movie equivalent of toxic waste.

PEOPLE LIKE US – Date movie for the whole family. Elizabeth Banks falls for Chris Pine. One minor comic complication – he’s her brother.


YOUR SISTER’S SISTER – One minor comic complication – she’s her sister.

TO ROME WITH LOVE – Woody Allen’s 178th movie. At the rate he’s going through foreign locales he should be doing THREE MILE ISLAND PARADISE by 2016.

VIRGINIA – Jennifer Connelly with a Southern accent. The MILF version of Blanche DuBois.


PROMETHEUS – Prequel to ALIENS. A spaceship journeys to another planet. Not to spoil the plot but I hope the crew brought a lot of Tums.


ROCK OF AGES – the Broadway musical hits the big screen with noted singer, Tom Cruise in the lead.

ABRAHAM LINCOLN: VAMPIRE HUNTER – My high school history teachers didn’t believe me! Finally, the truth is coming out!

The conclusion tomorrow.  

Summer Movies Preview

Hello from Seattle.  Tonight I begin two weeks of broadcasting Mariners games on 710 ESPN Seattle, the Mariners Radio Network, Sirius/XM satellite, and MLB.COM.  Hope you'll tune in.

Meanwhile, it's that time of year again -- Hollywood trots out its superheroes, sequels, and God help us, Adam Sandler.  Here is my annual Summer Movies Preview.  Don't the the fact that I haven't seen any of these movies undermine the legitimacy of my takes on them. 

THE DARK KNIGHT RISES – Batman is back, with Anne Hathaway as the Catwoman with the Joker smile. Okay, I’m a geek. I can’t wait.


THE AVENGERS – Not since the Hanna-Barbera Laff-A-Lympics have more superstar characters gathered for one project.

DARK SHADOWS – Contains the two key elements in good filmmaking – adapting an old TV series and vampires.


CHERNOBYL DIARIES – Sequel to PRINCESS DIARIES.


BATTLESHIP – Yes, this is a movie based on a Hasbro toy but before you dismiss this movie – Rihanna’s in it.


HYSTERIA – Don’t feel left out, girls. A movie about your favorite toy is also coming out. Romcom on the invention of the vibrator.


MEN IN BLACK 3 – Taking advantage of the MIB craze by coming out with this sequel ten years after the last one. Hopefully not a rush job.

THE AMAZING SPIDER-MAN – Will audiences accept a Spider-Man who doesn’t sing and dance? Hollywood is taking a big gamble.


MOONRISE KINGDOM – A Wes Anderson movie so you know it will be quirky and feature Bill Murray.

BRAVE – First Pixar movie with a female lead. But since they pulled it off with a rat and robot I’m predicting they pull this off too.


WHAT TO EXPECT WHEN YOU’RE EXPECTING – Five women dealing with pregnancy. So five sequels to KNOCKED UP.


THE DICTATOR – Another Sacha Baron Cohen send-up movie. So it could either be another BORAT or BRUNO.


THE BEST EXOTIC MARIGOLD HOTEL – Judi Densch, Maggie Smith, Bill Nighy and Tom Wilkerson in a hotel in India. Date movie for every retirement village in Florida.

More tomorrow...

The Worst Songs of All-Time

I haven't done this in a couple of years but it's one of my favorite features -- suggesting and asking you to contribute to the list of "Worst Songs of All Time."   The fun is reading your cringeworthy suggestions.   There are, uh... "No Boundaries".   I'm sure I will also get outraged people defending some of these choices.  If you think "Disco Duck" belongs in the Great American Songbook next to "Stardust", I want to hear from you too. Hello from Seattle, by the way.

Here are a few of my nominees to get you going.  Most are oldies.  Although I'm sure today's music has as many if not more.
Honey....Bobby Goldsboro

Good Morning Starshine....Oliver

The Night Chicago Died....Paper Lace

Billy Don't be a Hero....Bo Donaldson and the Heywoods

One Tin Soldier....Coven

My Boy Lollipop.....Little Millie Small

Surfin Bird....Trashmen

Mule Skinner Blues....Fendermen

He Hit me and it Felt like a Kiss....Crystals

Transfusion....Nervous Norvis

Ballad of the Green Beret....Sgt. Barry Sandler

Laurie...Dickie Lee

Deck of Cards....Wink Martindale

Hooray for Hazel....Bobby Roe

Yummy Yummy Yummy....1919 Fruit Gum Co.

My Dad...Paul Peterson

Timothy....Buoys

Unicorn Song...Irish Rovers

Watching Scotty Grow...Bobby Goldsboro

I've Never Been to Me...Charlene

Paper Tiger...Sue Thompson

Wildfire...Michael Murphy

Indiana Wants Me...R.Dean Taylor

Letter From Elena...Tom Clay

Little Black Egg....Nightcrawlers

Disco Duck...Rick Dees

Baby I'm a want you....Bread

Past, Present, Future…the Shangri Las

Wreck of the Edmond Fitzgerald....Gordon Lightfoot

Girls girls girls are made to Love...Eddie Hodges

Seasons in the Sun...Terry Jacks

Love Jones....Brighter Shade of Darkness

Heartbeat is a Love beat -- Delfranco Family

The Streaker...Ray Stevens

She Can't Find Her Keys...Paul Peterson

Ringo...Lorne Green

I Sold My Heart to the Junkman....Bluebells

Gallant Men....Senator Everett Dirkson

Which Way you Goin Billy....Poppy Family

Torn Between Two Lovers....Mary McGregor

Happiest Girl in the USA ...Donna Fargo

Ben...Michael Jackson

Open Letter to my Teenage Son...Victor Lundberg

The Men in my Little Girl's Life....Mike Douglas

Tin Man...America

Johnny Loves Me...Shelley Fabares

I Put a Spell on You...Screamin' Jay Hawkins

Claire...Gilbert O'Sullivan

Walk like an Egyptian…the Bangles

Today is Cindy's Birthday....Johnny Crawford

Close to Cathy....Mike Clifford

Locomotion...Grand Funk Railroad

The Americans...Byron McGregor

Haunted House...Gene Simmons

Ruby Don't Take Your Love to Town....Kenny Rogers

Bottle of Wine....Fireballs

Wait For Me...the Playmates

How am I supposed to live without you…Michael Bolton

Sad Movies make me cry…Sue Thompson

Martian Hop....Randells

Skinny Legs and All....Joe Tex

Hello Hello....Claudine Longet

Tutti Fruitti....Pat Boone

Mrs. Robinson....Frank Sinatra

We are the World…USA for Africa

Do the Clam....Elvis Presley

Hello…Lionel Richie

I Remember You…Frank Eifield

Sometimes when we touch…Dan Hill

Uh oh (part II)….the Nutty Squirrels (as if part I is any good)

Wam Bam (Shang-a-Ling)….the Silvers

Laugh at Me...Sonny & Cher

Little Green Apples....O.C. Smith

I Wish I were a Princess...Little Peggy March

You Really turn me on...Ian Whitcomb

I'm Henry the Eighth....Herman's Hermits

Muskrat Love...Capt. & Tanille

Sit on my face, Stevie Nicks...the Rotters (although that's a great title)

Jingle Bells...the Barking Dogs

Downtown...Mrs. Miller

Ain't No Way to Treat a Lady...Helen Reddy

Candy Man...Sammy Davis Jr.

Puppy Love...Donny Osmond

Touch me in the Morning...Diana Ross

Another Somebody done somebody wrong song...B.J. Thomas

Float On…the Floaters

Dominique…the Singing Nun


How does that grab ya, darling….Nancy Sinatra

Chick a Boom...Daddy Dew Drops

Mmmmm Bop...Hanson

You Light up my Life…Debby Boone

Neanderthal…Hot Legs

Call Collect...Art Linkletter

Karma Chameleon…Culture Club

Please Mr. Please...Olivia Newton John

Mickey...Toni Basil

Old Rivers...Walter Brennan

You Better Sit Down Kids...Cher

Indian Lake...Cowsills

Ding dong the witch is dead....Fifth Estate


Chirpy Chirpy Cheep Cheep...Mac & Katie Kissoon

Wild Thing...Senator Bobby

Tall Paul...Annette

Feelings…Morris Albert

Dreams of the Everyday Housewife…Glen Campbell

Roses are Red…Bobby Vinton

Stayin’ In…Bobby Vee

Chevy Van…Sammy Johns

England Swings…Roger Miller

Patches…Dickie Lee

Popsicle…Jan & Dean

I am Woman…Helen Reddy

Playground in my mind…Clint Holmes

Wind Beneath my Wings…Bette Midler

Trying to stop the feeling…Barry Manilow

The Doggone Girl is Mine…Michael Jackson & Paul McCartney

Ain’t Gonna Bump with no Big Fat Woman…Joe Tex

Speedy Gonzales….Pat Boone

I'm Not a Juvenile Delinquent...Frankie Lyman & the Teenagers

Dead Skunk...Louden Wainwright III

Book recommendation

Getting ready for two weeks of doing play-by-play for the Mariners. How do you pack for Seattle, New York, Boston, Cleveland, and Denver? I’ll be on the air beginning Monday night with Rick Rizzs on 710 ESPN Seattle, the Mariners Radio Network, Sirius/XM satellite radio, and MLB.COM.

Included in my packing is a fun new book, THE BASEBALL HALL OF SHAME by Bruce Nash & Allan Zullo. This is a baseball book for non-baseball people because it’s essentially a humor book.

The book goes into all the stupid boneheaded incidents that occur on and off the field. So it’s a collection of goofballs and blunders – all of it extremely funny because (a) it’s all real, and (b) it didn’t happen to you.

Thank God there’s not a chapter for announcers, otherwise I’d be in it for seventeen pages.

But it’s a fun read that doesn’t take itself seriously. You’ll meet some real characters along the way and be treated to ineptitude the likes of which you’ve never seen outside of politics. So really, isn’t that what fine literature is all about?

THE BASEBALL HALL OF SHAME – perfect for Mothers’ Day or rain delays.

One of the chapters is about bad umpiring calls.  How about this one from just last Wednesday?

Ever wondered what a Laugh Track machine looks like?

Check this out. Originally invented by Charles Douglas in the '50s. And his son Bobby has followed in his footsteps. Bobby is also one of the true gentlemen I've ever worked with in the business.

So here's the scoop on the original laugh machine. Note how enthusiastic the owner is.

Watch Appraisal: 1953 Charlie Douglass "Laff Box" on PBS. See more from Antiques Roadshow.

Another FRASIER myth debunked

Friday Questions coming attacha!

Zhou gets us started.

Was it the thought process to make Frasier so much like the notable and famous American film star Bette Davis?

No. That’s frankly the first time I’ve ever heard that one. People have compared Kelsey’s portrayal of Frasier to Jack Benny and Jackie Gleason but never Bette Davis.

If you’re not familiar with Bette Davis, she was a wonderful actress in the ‘30s – ‘60s. And very acerbic. For a classic Bette Davis performance (and one of the great comedic screenplays of all-time) rent ALL ABOUT EVE.

Erik wonders:

Should my sitcom ‘cover page’ contain the episode title, or will the word ‘pilot’ in parenthesis, underneath the ‘title’ suffice?

The word ‘pilot’ will suffice. Good luck.

Kev has a question based on the post about the speech that launched our career.

When you're micro-editing something like this monologue, how much attention do you pay on things like cadence, or words getting repeated? Personally, it always sounds weird to me when two consecutive sentences end with the same word (unless done purposely), so I was wondering if there's anything you look for specifically in terms of how the actual speech "sounds to the ear"... if that makes sense.

Cadence and flow and word variety are EXTREMELY important. I will usually read my scripts out loud before turning them in, just to hear the rhythm.

Not using the same word in two sentences is almost a cardinal rule.  Especially in dialogue .

We all fall into comfortable patterns and at times I have to force myself to re-think a speech or paragraph. I’d like to say it gets easier and almost automatic but it doesn’t.

Jeff Badge asks:

I watched TALES FROM THE SCRIPT on NetFlix instant watch over the weekend. At one point, someone says that the shooting script of AMADEUS was the 46th revision. Antoine Fisher states he had well over one hundred drafts of his own biopic. What version of VOLUNTEERS was accepted to be shot? (I acknowledge how different this is than the version which went to editing.)

This is a typical story. We did two drafts of VOLUNTEERS then decided to change the tone, redevelop it, and do almost a page-one rewrite. There were two or three polishes of that draft.

Then a director was brought on board. He took our script and did a rewrite himself (which was mediocre at best). He left the project, a new director was brought on board who hired yet another writer to do a big rewrite. This writer’s draft was so horrendous the studio fired him, the director, and then put the film into turnaround.

When Tri-Star picked it up they went back to us. We threw out everything from the other two writers’ versions and did a major rewrite. Then a series of polishes. All of this is over a four year period.

The third director, Nick Meyer, was hired, and to his credit, he kept us on the project. We did another polish to satisfy his notes. Then when the film was cast we did a polish to better fit the characters to the actors who would play them.  So I had lost count of the number of drafts by the time it actually went into production.  And that was just the beginning. 

Once principle photography began in Mexico we stayed back in Los Angeles and fed new scenes or adjusted scenes to the set on a daily basis. This went on for several months. So to answer your question, I can’t tell you how many drafts we did but probably in the twenties. And hey, we were lucky. Not many original writers are re-hired. Although several of the scenes don’t play as we envisioned, I do have to say that 90% of that shooting script was our work.

From Matt:

I'm in the UK and love comedy (live or on TV) and the one thing that annoys me is trying to follow a US show that is broadcast here. Due to pirating episodes are now shown a few weeks or less after the initial broadcast in the states. This means we now have the annoying 'mid-season' breaks or even Would you prefer the UK way of shorter seasons that have a smaller writer team (in some cases 1 person) that are normally all recorded before transmission (and as such all episodes are shown) or the US longer season and the worries that come with that?

Obviously there are pros and cons to both but would like to know your opinion.

The only con is that you don’t make as much money. But creatively, I would MUCH rather work on a short-ordered series. And my partner agrees. We would love to do a show where we could write all of the episodes ourselves beforehand. Shows done like that have a much stronger voice and clearer vision.

But like I said, financially you take a big hit, and on American television it’s very difficult to hook an audience when you only have a few episodes.

Still, if David and I do another series I imagine it will be in that format. And just think, doing six episodes a season – in only 17 years we’ll have enough shows for syndication!

What’s your question? Leave it in the comments section. Thanks!

Sometimes writers have to hold their ground

Remember an episode of CHEERS called Rat Girl?   Lilith's pet lab rat dies and she couldn't part with it so she kept it in her purse. It's a heartwarming tale.  My writing partner, David Isaacs and I wrote that episode and won the WGA award for Best Comedy Script that year (beating out Larry David who brings it up every time I see him. I've offered to give it to him for only .00001% of SEINFELD and so far the award remains in my office.).

But the point is it was a pretty well-received episode.  You can see it here.

But the whole show almost blew up. Over one little note.

Bebe Neuwirth, who plays Lilith and I dearly love, announced on the second day of rehearsal that she had a problem.

Lilith didn't carry a purse. Well, okay.  We asked her to make an exception this week for the story.  But she said it wasn't consistent with her character.  She explained that Lilith is a scientist and scientists don't carry purses.

Oh really? NO scientist? Ever?

Again, the whole writing staff asked if she'd graciously overlook that TINY inconsistency and please have a purse?

Were there alternatives?  

One thought was that she could keep the rat in her pocket (do scientists have pockets?) but that seemed even too creepy for Lilith, and it was important that the gang in the bar discovered the critter while she was out of the room.  We needed Frasier to explain away her rather bizarre behavior.  Our primary concern was that Lilith didn't come off like a complete loon. 

I do admire that actors take great care in wanting to be as true to their characters as possible, and details that are seemingly unimportant to us are very meaningful to their defining their roles. But sometimes, Jesus! As the great David Lloyd used to say, "It's just pretend!".

To her credit, Bebe backed down.  Most of the time (practically ALL of the time) writers make adjustments to accommodate the actors.  Sometimes we have to stand our ground.   In this case, the entire episode depended on it.   Bebe was a team player.   She embraced the purse and the episode went off as planned.

Ironically, we did expect a note, but it wasn't from Bebe and we never got flagged for it.  At one point in the script the guys around the bar get out junk food.   When David and I were writing it we wondered out loud if anyone could eat a Hostess Snowball in one gulp?   So how best to settle it?  We made Woody do it.   His favorite food was Hostess Snowballs because they were "bite size."   God love, Mr. Harrelson, he downed one of those babies in one bite.  Excuse me, but THAT'S acting! 

Happy to say that in all these years and all the many airings of Rat Girl, not once have we received a protest from a scientist.   Or Hostess bakeries. 

How do you know if your script is any good?

Note: When I can't find an appropriate picture I post Natalie Wood photos

That’s always the big question for young scribes writing a spec script. You may like it but will anybody else?

Giving it to friends and family rarely yields objective reactions. Of course they’re going to love it. They want to love it. (Or hate it depending your family).

And the truth is most people not in the business don’t know how to read a script (as opposed to those IN the business where only half don’t know how to read a script). It’s difficult for many people to read stage directions and dialogue and be able to picture the scene. That’s not a knock on anybody. I can’t read a blueprint or a shopping list.

This is why I always recommend young writers take classes and meet other aspiring writers. Surround yourself with peers. There will usually be one or two whose opinions you value. Give the script to them. Be mindful that there may be some jealousy or competitive dynamics at work but you can generally sift through that.

Teachers are another good source of feedback if you value their assessment.

Generally, it’s best to give you script to several readers. There is a downside to this of course. You may get five different reactions from five different people – and some of the notes might be contradictory. Just like you'll get when you do make it in the business. You have to decide who (if anybody) is right.

But the good news is if you hear the same note from four sources it’s a pretty good bet they’re right. You can address all these issues before sending out your script.

There’s no clear-cut formula on how to know whether a note is a good one or bad. And especially, with people not in the business (dreaded “non pros”), their notes might be bad because they’re not adept at solving script problems, but you as the creator have to see beyond that. Don’t just dismiss the notes. Something bothers them and they don’t have the experience to identify just what it is. That’s your job. Based on their note, try to work backwards and guess what exactly might be the problem.

Always consider seriously the note, “I don’t get this.” You may think you’ve explained something sufficiently but you haven’t. We often get too close to our work. Those are generally helpful notes.

The very best way to judge your script is to arrange for a table reading. HEAR IT. Taking into consideration that the actors you use will often times be busboys at Costco and a foreign exchange student from Norway – not exactly Meryl Streep and Christian Bale, and the small audience will be somewhat biased in your favor (don't invite your family if they're not) – but you can hear the rhythm, hear the flow, get a sense of what works and what doesn’t. And if you have a comedy, laughter (or lack of it) will tell you what’s funny.

At the end of the day though, it’s up to you. YOU have to decide whether your script is good.  Just remember, Universal passed on STAR WARS.

Best of luck!