Worth seeing tonight and tomorrow night is the 4-hour PBS documentary, CLINTON. Love Bill or hate him you’ve got to admit he’s a fascinating character. I saw the program recently on the ship (something to do during the cyclone) and was most impressed with how fair and balanced it was. Other than some really unflattering shots of the young Hillary (and hey, it was her choice to wear those goofy glasses and Brillo hair) they just laid out the facts – good and bad.
It’s a tale of heroics, ego, Houdini acts, lust, ambition, conflict, courage, miscalculation, brilliance, and most of all – how the course of world history can be altered forever by blowjobs. I mean, this is all commonplace in Hollywood, but to see it played out on a global stage -- yowzer! I contribute to PBS because I love that Roy Orbison concert they always play during pledge breaks. But this program is worthy of my support as well.
Personally, I like Bill Clinton. There’s a lot I admire about him. And the country was sure in better shape under his watch. But Jesus, it’s staggering how stupid he was at times.
The one scene they couldn’t show unfortunately (because I’m sure it wasn’t recorded) was the Clinton bedroom right after Bill confessed to Hillary that he had been sleeping with Monica Lewinsky. So I’m taking the liberty of imagining what that scene must’ve been like.
INT. BEDROOM (WHITE HOUSE) – NIGHT (MID-SCENE)
BILL: Not that lamp! It was the one Lincoln used to read at night!
HILLARY THROWS THE LAMP. IT MISSES HIS HEAD BY INCHES AND CRASHES AGAINST THE WALL.
BILL: You know, they’re going to charge us for that! We’ve already lost our deposit.
HILLARY: How could you?! What the hell were you thinking?!
BILL: I’m sorry. I was under a lot of stress and just needed some female companionship.
HILLARY: Excuse me? And what am I?
BILL: Okay, that didn’t come out right. You’re a woman. A beautiful woman. A classy woman. A lady. The first lady.
HILLARY: Fuckin’ A!
BILL: But see, by definition, if there’s a “first” that must also mean there’s a second and third, otherwise the term would be meaningl….
HILLARY: Oh, don’t start that Slick Willie shit with me! You porked an intern!!
BILL: Well, I couldn’t sleep with anyone you know. How disrespectful would that be to you?
HILLARY: Oh, right. You had me in mind when you were screwing her.
BILL: No. Newt Gingrich actually.
HILLARY: I want a divorce.
BILL: No. Wait. You can’t do that. I love you. I don’t love Monica. She’s just a girl who satisfies base carnal urges and makes me latkas in December.
HILLARY: How can I face people? I just went on THE TODAY SHOW and stood up for you.
BILL: See, that’s the thing. I wake up in the morning, feel a little amorous, and you’re gone.
ANOTHER LAMP GOES WHIZZING BY HIS HEAD, CRASHING AGAINST THE WALL.
BILL: Okay. I might’ve deserved that. Even though that was a gift to Thomas Jefferson from several of his slaves.
HILLARY: Shut up!
BILL: Sorry. (beat, then calling out) Hey, I hope we’re not keeping you secret service guys awake!
TWO SECRET SERVICE MEN STICK THEIR HEADS IN.
BILL: My wife just physically attacked me.
HILLARY: Go away!
SECRET SERVICE MAN: Yes, ma’am.
THEY DUCK BACK OUT.
BILL: What the hell?
HILLARY: (getting back to the subject) The impression people are going to have is that I don’t satisfy you sexually and that’s why you strayed. And judging by who you strayed with, they’re going to think I couldn’t turn on a sailor who’s been out to sea for twenty years.
BILL: That’s where you’re wrong. Husbands all over America are going to say, “Wow. She lets him have affairs. I wish I were married to her.” You’re a goddess!
HILLARY: So just what do I get for staying in this toxic relationship?
BILL: Jesus, you’re already running the country. What more do you want?
HILLARY: Well, yes. There is that.
BILL: And standing behind me, being the “Good Wife” – I bet there’s a TV series in that.
HILLARY: Don’t change the subject! (considering) Y’know, that’s not a bad idea.
BILL: I want shared creator credit.
ANOTHER LAMP GOES FLYING. THIS ONE HITS HIM.
BILL: Ow! Shit! Next time can we do this in the Rose Garden?
HILLARY: There’s not going to be a next time!
BILL: Right. Of course. No more. I’ll make the calls.
HILLARY: And I’ve decided to run for senate.
BILL: Really? Have you decided which state?
HILLARY: New York, you idiot! We have a place there.
BILL: Right. Right. The next time you’re there, bring back some lamps.
HILLARY: I expect your full support in this. Campaigning for me, the whole nine yards.
BILL: Anything. Anything at all. I love you, Hillary.
HILLARY: That’s Senator Clinton to you.
BILL: I love you, Senator Clinton.
HILLARY: And I suppose I love you, President Clinton.
HE KISSES HER.
BILL: So...wanna fool around?
HILLARY: Maybe tomorrow.
FADE OUT.
