Other than Meryl Streep’s win (too bad for Viola Davis this was the year Meryl was deemed “due”), and the shocking upset when GIRL WITH THE DRAGON TATTOO beat HUGO for editing there was absolutely no suspense whatsoever.
Billy Crystal was the perfect choice for host considering eight of the nine Best Picture nominees were set in the past.
Young viewers saw Billy Crystal and said, “Who’s that?” Older viewers familiar with his work saw Billy Crystal and said, “Who’s that?”
As my friend Allan Katz said, his face now looks like it was carved out of an apple.
When he began the show with that tired bit where he inserts himself into movies, all I could think of was Bob Hope in a Beatle wig chasing Brooke Shields around the stage and barking.
And then Crystal’s equally musty song-and-dance tribute to the Best Picture nominees – that was like Shirley Temple singing “On The Good Ship Lollipop” today.
Original producer Brett Ratner claimed that “rehearsal is for fags” and this enraged the Academy (who obviously believe that rehearsal is necessary). So he was fired (excuse me – bowed out). As was host Eddie Murphy. Thus we were spared Murphy following Octavia Spencer’s lovely heartfelt speech by introducing the next segment as Buckwheat. Although, Crystal’s Sammy Davis Jr. impression (in blackface no less) was not a whole lot better.
Crystal’s jokes and asides were strictly Borscht Belt. And yet he was mystified when all of his clams fell flat. You could see him sweating through his Botox. And then he takes a shot at the Republicans thus adding another 30,000 to the number of Jew Haters in the South.
But before we delve further into the snoozefest itself, I must devote a few moments to the KTLA (and Reelz Channel) coverage of the Red Carpet arrivals. Perennial bootlicker to the stars, Sam Rubin always co-hosts along with a bimbo du jour – this year, news anchor Jessica Holmes (picture any Hooters waitress in a gown). They’re always good for a few real cringeworthy moments. Jessica to THE ARTIST director, Michael Hazanavicius (whose wife, Berenice Bejo was also up for an award): “How many times has a husband and wife both been nominated?” to which he replied, “You’re the journalist. You’re supposed to know.”
She later asked Christopher Plummer if he’d seen BRIDESMAIDS. Huh??? Smoochy Sam fawned all over everybody, calling Leslie Mann “the First Lady of Comedy”. Neither Hooter nor Tooter could believe that Jonah Hill was up for Best Actor. Hill said, “Are you trying to insult me?” Sam assured him they were not then asked, “Does this open the door to more dramas?” An Oscar nomination. Does an Oscar nomination help you get more parts? Only Sam Rubin could make Jessica Holmes look smart.
But getting back to the show that C-SPAN would have cancelled for being too slow…
This was the first time that both screenplay awards were for adaptations. Alexander Payne won for adapting the novel of THE DESCENDENTS, and Woody Allen won for adapting six of his previous movies and four of his New Yorker articles for MIDNIGHT IN PARIS.
Of course UNDEFEATED won.
Would Eddie Murphy have intro’d the In Memoriam segment as Gumby?
By the way, they left out Harry Morgan.
Maybe now THE ARTIST will play in two theaters in Kansas. THE ARTIST has made $20 million in thirteen weeks of release. Denzel’s SAFE HOUSE made $28 million last weekend.
Disney’s idea of a children’s movie: wonder and magic and enchanted lands. Scorsese’s idea of a children’s movie: a history lesson about pre-World War I cinema.
When THE IRON LADY beats HARRY POTTER for Best Make-Up are they saying its more amazing getting Meryl Streep to look like an English Woman than making average people look like Boggarts, Dementors, Goblins, and House-elves?
Since when did Nick Nolte become Burl Ives?
And did you notice that Owen Wilson couldn’t take his eyes off Penelope Cruz’s breasts when they were presenting together? "And the num-nums are..."
Not to be outdone, Angelina Jolie flashed her leg all the way up to that place where babies who aren’t adopted come from.
This year's technical award should’ve gone to the inventor of Tivo.
SAVING FACE – the story of Billy Crystal – won Best Short Documentary. What a shock! The Academy giving an award to a movie about plastic surgery.
Glenn Close might’ve won if she put herself up for Best Actor.
Looking gorgeous were: Natalie Portman, Judy Greer (sleek black dress with silver racing stripe down the middle), Giuliana Rancic, Michelle Williams (Peter Pan in drag), Emma Stone (big red bow collar – she looked like a gift wrapped Ferrari), Tina Fey (an elegant pepper shaker in black), Rooney Mara (eyebrows really help), and Miss Piggy.
I spotted Dodger General Manager, Ned Colletti in the audience. I guess he was part of the tribute to seat-fillers.
Presenter Gwyneth Paltrow (who a couple of years ago was introduced at the Oscars as “country music’s biggest new star” – how’s that career going for you, Gwyney?) and Robert Downey Jr. did the worst presenter bit of the evening. If I were Gwyneth, 30 seconds into this painful faux documentary routine I’d be singing any Carrie Underwood song I knew. I would sing “Jimmy Crack Corn” if that’s the only tune I could think of. Anything to shut up Downey.
If you asked Rose Byrne, “Who are you wearing?” the answer would be “K-Tool International 73510 Black Electric Tape”. Judging by how horrifyingly skinny she is, she needed only half a roll.
Best laugh of the night: Winner Jim Rash posing like Angelina Jolie, the slut with the slit.
Every year the stars wear ribbons to show their concern for some world catastrophe. This year it was that Dani Janssen and Barry Diller cancelled their annual Oscar parties. Hollywood cares!
If you don’t think the Best Song is even worth performing then why give out the damn award? You nominate these songs. Own them! Let’s hear Tony Bennett sing “Man or Muppet.”
The Academy wants to attract a wider audience? Nominate HARRY POTTER for Best Picture and not WAR HORSE (which you only did to appease Steven Spielberg… who only made the movie to win more Oscars).
Viola Davis looked like the Jolly Green Giant.
What could the fun motif be for the EXTREMELY LOUD & INCREDIBLY CLOSE after-party?
The BRIDESMAIDS actresses added to the prestige of the evening by introducing the Short Subjects categories with a flurry of dick jokes. For all the naysayers who thought BRIDESMAIDS had no place in the company of Oscar-worthy films they sure shut those people up.
I was glad for Michel Hazanavicius who said he was the “Happiest director in the world!” I’ll say. He just won an Oscar and gets to sleep with the star.
By far the worst part of the night was Natalie Portman and Colin Firth blowing smoke up the ass of all the nominees for the Best Actor & Actress. These people have gone so far beyond just taking themselves seriously that I truly believe they believe they shit nickels. Among the platitudes used to describe these men and women who play dress up were: courage, no less than astonishing, breathtaking, dazzling, cinema would be empty without you, unreasonably good, virtuoso, awesome, depth, enthralling.
Save some of those terms for Michael Douglas who fought back from cancer, not a guy playing a baseball executive who signed players who walked a lot. Michael Douglas looked great and sounded great. I was thrilled to see him.
All in all it was a boring, super safe, bland, vanilla, nothing show. But THE TRANSFORMERS lost everything so it was a night to celebrate! Billy Crystal will be appearing next month at Grossinger’s along with Jackie Mason, and the Schlomo Rabinowitz Klezmer Band.
Go out and see a movie. None of this year’s winners because they’re not playing anywhere, and even if they were you wouldn’t see them anyway. But LORAX 3D opens Friday.
