The conceit in MODERN FAMILY is that everything is being filmed for a documentary. So I thought, imagine if some of the cameramen got together after work for a drink to compare notes.
INT. BAR – NIGHT
In a popular Italian restaurant. Bob and Jim sit at the bar. Tom enters.
TOM: Hey guys. Sorry, I’m late. But I got a good one. Phil and Claire were knocking one off before lunch and the kids walked in on them.
BOB: Wow.
JIM: What did they do?
TOM: The kids? They screamed and ran out. And after that I don’t know. Seth was assigned to them. I stayed back with Phil and Claire. They couldn’t have been more freaked.
BOB: Wait a minute. You were inside their bedroom?
TOM: Uh huh. Got the whole thing.
JIM: Even before the kids interrupted?
TOM: Yeah. Why?
BOB: Why? So you were in the room while they were fucking?
TOM: Y’know, now that you mention it – that is a little weird, huh?
BOB: Uh… Yeah.
TOM: That explains a lot.
JIM: What do you mean?
TOM: Phil wants to have sex all the time.
JIM: I guess when they all sign that release form giving us full access that means full access. Even the bedroom.
BOB: Which probably explains why the Dunphy crew is two people and the one covering Gloria is now up to ten.
TOM: And Mitch & Cam are on their own after 9:00.
BOB: Hey, I can top that. I worked the Real Housewives of Beverly Hills the first season.
TOM: They let you into the bedroom?
BOB: They blew me.
JIM: Speaking of Mitch & Cam – my day off was yesterday and when I got to their place this morning it seemed like their baby grew two years.
BOB: So it wasn’t just me? Last week she was just an infant. Suddenly she tripled her height and weight and now speaks better than Gloria.
JIM: Can you understand a word she says?
BOB: Who cares?
JIM: You got a point.
BOB: The Beverly Hills Housewives want to run her over with their car.
TOM: Maybe Cam just picked the wrong baby up from the park. That’s the kind of thing that happens to these people every week.
JIM: That’s not typical of most families, is it?
BOB: The Real Housewives leave their kids in parks on purpose.
JIM: I want to follow them.
TOM: Hey, how old do you think Manny is? 16?
BOB: 14.
JIM: 50.
They laugh.
JIM: You laugh but at the rate the baby is growing they’ll graduate high school the same year.
TOM: Which will be one year sooner than Haley?
BOB: Well, I gotta go. Phil is learning how to walk a tightrope.
JIM: I’d ask why but it’s Phil so what’s the point?
TOM: And I’ve got Jay helping Manny make a science project.
BOB: See you at the E.R. around 11:00.
TOM: (spotting someone) Hey, guys. Isn’t that Haley?
They turn and look.
JIM: Yeah, what’s she doing here with another family?
BOB: The way they’re acting, you’d think she’s their daughter.
TOM: Boy, they’re sure having fun here at the Olive Garden.
JIM: Maybe I better get my camera.
BOB: Me too.
TOM: Hey, I saw her first!
All three scramble out of the room to get their equipment.
FADE OUT.
Here is the footage that they shot.
